“Connect and Redirect”—Why Connection is so Important

As I work my way through my stack of books that I bought mid-way through the pandemic, one that’s really stood out so far is The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

I say “stood out” because I could take strategies that are discussed in the book and immediately implement them within my practice of parent coaching, and honestly, this surprised me. I was poised to dislike the book because in general, I don’t love pop parenting books, but, because it sold so many copies I gave it a read.

I’ll skip the whole review, but in case you’re interested here’s my quick list of pros and cons. I think the strategies are top notch, well thought out, explained well, with plenty of examples provided. Are these strategies “ground breaking”? No. Are they tried and true ones that I as a professional often use but don’t have a name for? Yes. If you need strategies for working on: regulation, expectation setting, rule setting, empathy, power struggles, etc. this book is for you. My critique? I felt like the “neuroscience” aspects of the book were, perhaps accurate, but a back-door way to explaining why these methods work. But in the end, they do work and they are extremely well described and laid out to help parents with children of any age. And speaking of that, all the strategies are broken down based on how old your child is. Score! So before I go full book review on you, let me get to the point.

One of my favorite strategies to use, is front and center in this book. Siegel and Bryson call it “connect then redirect” and its strategy number one. I love and use this strategy over and over with toddlers. I’ve been building to this over on my instagram page for a bit now, but I really believe connection is key.

Let me back up a little more to put my practice into view. If you’re seeing me for early intervention, more likely than not, your child is frustrated. Big mad, because well, they can’t communicate! Of course they’re frustrated if they can’t meet their basic needs in an efficient and effective way. I’ve met many a frustrated caregiver who is managing their second job as an interpreter and negotiator for their toddler who has limited communication.

So, when I see my clients have a meltdown, I am frequently coaching with this strategy of connect and redirect. But disclaimer, you can’t use this for those big meltdowns right away. You need to get the big tears, hitting, kicking, screaming, etc. stopped with hugs, kisses, quiet time first. Otherwise, all is for nothing, your toddler isn’t able to listen.

So imagine, your child just bit you. Maybe you know they bit you because they really didn’t want you to clean up their train. Before you rush to scold them, think connect and redirect.

Once you get the big tears stopped, before you do anything else, connect with your little one. Let them know you see how they feel, that you understand. And don’t just do it with your words, use your whole body and facial expressions. I find myself saying, with an angry face and body “mad, you look mad” frequently (reminder: it is okay to feel mad, there are no value judgements here with toddlers). Personally, I like to start with a single label because toddlers who are upset need simple language. Even if your toddler doesn’t know what “mad” means yet, modeling is always a good idea because toddlers learn by watching others do. And spoiler! You can do this very same thing when your children are happy too! It doesn’t always have to be about being “mad”.

Now that you’ve given them love, physical touch, and have acknowledged their feelings, only then can you begin to practice setting limits. Here I might say or coach a caregiver to say “no biting, biting hurts”. Always with a reason. Always firm, in a neutral tone. Again, even if the child doesn’t understand the reason just yet, we want to help them understand the “why” over time.

And after this, I’ll often coach to either offer a suitable alternative or redirect. This depends heavily on the situation and the child. But either way, we need to find something else for the child to do or focus on. This is the redirect portion of the connect and redirect strategy. If the child is biting, I will often redirect to sipping some cold water. This is another activity that uses the mouth, but is appropriate. If in another scenario your child is hitting, perhaps you’ll redirect to hit a pillow. If you’d prefer to redirect all together, it’s also okay to suggest a change of scenery (move to another room) to change the mood and setting.

I so often see caregivers starting with the limit setting and redirection, when really the connection is the most important part if you want your child to really start to understand feelings and how to deal with them. Toddlers need to first and foremost see that they are cared for and loved. When you show them you understand how they are feeling, they will be more likely to take that redirection and run with it, without the incident ruining your entire plan. You might need to go through the cycle several times, connect-set limits-redirect-repeat. That’s okay, it just depends where your child is at developmentally, and how much they need/want to express their feelings. But when you continually show you’re listening, you understand, and you’re there for your child in a consistent way, they will begin to understand how to handle their emotional outbursts.

Teaching toddlers is all about emotional connection and development between toddlers and those closest to them.

If your toddler has outbursts due to a limited ability to communicate, get in touch with your state’s early intervention program or call your pediatrician. And as always, if you’re in the greater Los Angeles Area feel free to reach out to me through the contact me page. If you’re interested in reading the book you can buy it here.