The Power of Positive Praise
As a follow up from last week’s post, let’s talk about “Positive Praise” or as I prefer to say “catch them being good”.
This is a technique I often use to prevent negative behaviors. It’s always a good idea to use prevention strategies first, and then reactive strategies (like prompt hierarchies) when needed. The hope is that you won’t need to use reactive strategies as often if you’re using preventative strategies when you can.
So what is positive praise? Well, basically, it’s giving your child a compliment and pointing out their good behavior, so “catching them being good”. To reiterate, I’m a believer that children want to be good, that they want to do things that make their caregivers happy and praise them. When we do praise them, they get a big boost of self-esteem and all the good feelings that go with it. Praise can help you feel connected to your child and your child connected to you.
Here are some examples:
“I like the way you put your toys in the toy box”
“Thank you for handing me the remote”
“Great work putting your pants on”
“I like it when you touch your sister gently”
“I love when you wash your hands after you potty”
You’ll notice that all of these examples have both a positive: I like, I love, Great work, thank you and a specific action: putting your pants on, touching gently, washing hands, handing. We want to give specific praise, not just a simple “good job”.
The more specific you can be, the better your child will understand what you do want from them. “Good job” is okay for little tasks, but I try as often as possible to be more specific than that.
Additionally, better to tell your child want you do want, than what you don’t. So instead of saying “don’t hit” you could say “I like when your hands are gentle”, that way the last thing they hear is what you want from them, not what you don’t. If the last thing they hear is “hit” it might give them some sneaky ideas that weren’t there before.
Sounds deceptively easy, right? But honestly, it’s hard. Lots of adults aren’t wired this way, to call out the positives. It’s a lot more clear when your child is doing something naughty than when they’re doing it right.
Want some tips and tricks for making the switch?
Decide on one behavior you’re going to watch for. Maybe it’s sharing, handing rather than throwing, cleaning up, etc. But you’re going to be on the look out for this behavior and call it out whenever you see it. It’s often helpful to start slow.
Set aside 5-10 minutes each day to watch your child for a target behavior and praise them positively during this time. Try to choose the same time every day or the same activity every day to make it a habit. Once you’ve done this, expand the time or the activity to include one more.
Then think about your reaction and your child’s reaction…
How did it feel to praise your child?
How did your child respond?
Do you note more positive behavior when you react or when you’re proactive?
I think over time you’ll see that the behavior(s) you’ve been praising appear more and more often and that the previous challenging behavior appear less (note I didn’t say not at all). I bet you’ll also note that your child appears more confident, more independent, and that you won’t need to scold or discipline them for that same behavior quite as often.
Frankly, this works with adults too. We often neglect to call out behavior we like and appreciate in others. Adults feel good when we call out their positive behaviors as well and praise them for doing kind things. There’s no end to who and how you can use the powers of positive praise within your daily life.
If you have questions or comments reach out to my in the contact page, thanks for reading!